So, I know I put on a very good show, but the honest truth is that I am not nearly as awesome of a mom as I thought I would be. I'm not saying I'm terrible, I'm just saying that I am not nearly as good as I thought I would be before I had kids. Seriously, I was the perfect mother, until I actually became one.
I think my kids know well that I love them, and want to do my best by them. But I also know that there is disappointment every day...every single day...in some event/sutuation/interaction for me. I loose patience when I don't think I should, or I want to check email when all they want is my attention. Maybe I put them off while I wash dishes, telling them that I will be there soon to play...all the while knowing that my hope is that they will end up playing something on their own and not wanting me anymore.
I'm not a terrible person or a bad mother, but as I am working through this year, the last one with Ben not being away from me more than he is with me on weekdays, I am struggling with staying focused on enjoying this time in my life and their lives. After this year, "real" school starts, and things will change. I waited my whole life to be an at-home mom, and now I really battle with enjoying each day for what it brings, rather than getting it over with so I can get them to bed and have some time to myself and finish the chores!
I will say though that I have been trying to work hard on this during the past few months, and have been feeling really good about how I am doing. My children are amazing, so that helps:). And, tonight, I stumbled upon a paragraph in some stranger's blog that just stopped me in my tracks and seemed to sum up everything that I have been thinking/feeling in my parenting lately.
From: mamabirth.blogspot.com, here it is:
"Yes, your hands are full. No you can not afford them. Yes, you sometimes mix up their names. This is not actually an indicator that you have trudged too far down the path of insanity. It is just LIFE. And life can be hard, but children are still awesome. You see the beautiful moments, where everybody gets along and where there is just a touch of the divine in your home."
Truly, those beautiful moments, the ones that only I see because I am the at-home mom...are honestly SO SO touched with the Divine. My heart almost bursts with the joy and the peace that I am honored to see and to be a part of...you know, during 1% of my day. Now the other 99%...well, we're working on that :)